Keeping Faith In The Chaos

There are times when life is going well, great... it's as smooth as a calm lake. 

Everything is perfect. It couldn't get any better, and then there are times like these... 

We had been trying to adopt a baby and found out that the young lady that was pregnant decided she didn't want to be pregnant anymore so she got an abortion.  We were all heart broken. We prayed for this young lady and her child and they were like family in our hearts.  The abortion went badly and the girl had to be rushed to the hospital for surgery.  They said she would never have children again.  Our hearts broke for her and the baby.

Weeks later a friend called us with another woman that was pregnant and needing a loving family for the baby.  Needless to say, it was a bad situation and she was forced into an abortion.

Mr. and Mrs. Cottage was driving to take Grandma Cottage to a doctor's appointment and we were hit by a lady as we sat at a red light. She never even slowed down.  We had decided at the last minute not to go with them and if we would have gone we would have been hurt very badly. Grandma broke her back and Mrs. Cottage hurt her hip, shoulder and got really bad whiplash. Months of physical therapy and pain. 

We were expecting a lot of company, so we decided to buy new furniture for our livingroom.  The next night we woke up to the sound of water dripping. With further investigations, we found that one of the upstairs toilets had overflown in the night and water was pouring out of the fan/light fixture in the living room ceiling all over the brand new coffee table.  The end result was the bathroom, shower, and spare bathroom flooring, the ceiling in the living room ceiling and flooring all had to be replaced. 

A couple days later we also had to rip the drywall out on one wall in the living room because a pipe burst. 

The house sounded like a massive plane was parked in the living room which kind of looked like a lab from a SciFi movie or a crime scene. Big sheets of plastic cover every entrance and in the center of the room, huge dehumidifiers hummed like engines on a plane. It was miserable!!! especially when the AC went out leaving us in the heat of sweltering southern summer.  It was over 100 degrees F. by day and the machines put off more heat.  Becuase of the AC and the noise we were all piled into one room all day for a week... 7 days have never stretched longer than that week. 

Five out of seven days a week Mrs. Cottage and Grandma had to go to physical therapy. The only nice part of this was the building (and car) had AC. 

There were days I just laid on the pallet on the floor and cried begging for it please stop as I listened to worship music. And like a wave, it finally let us come up for a breath. And I found my faith had never been stronger.  

It was so hard on my faith. We were walking with God and living for him and things just kept going wrong. Mom (Mrs. Cottage) knew how important it was that we hang onto our faith and she had us write messages of faith and bible verses on the 2x4s that made up our home. Our walls and ceiling were covered in words of faith and protection.  If nothing more than to remind us of our faith and reinforce that in our own hearts. 

Remembering Them...Infant / Child Loss Remembrance

 I'm not really sure how to write this post. My mom said to share my heart so here goes... today is pregnancy and infant loss day. Today we remember all the little ones gone to soon and pray for the families who have lost their precious bundle of joy. Some of us will be lighting candles tonight in a "Wave of light" at 7 PM. Other I'm sure will be doing other things.

Its cold here, I can hear the rain pinging against the top of the chimney. Ping. Ping Ping. It's a lonely sound. Christmas carols play softly from the kitchen. Yes it's early for it. But I'm just in the mood for it tonight, a group of geese fly over- I know because I can hear them honking as they fly toward the lake. Its almost dark now. There are eleven in our family we will be remembering tonight. Eleven of my siblings, a few cousin's babies, my dad's navy friend's child, a friends nephew, a friends... so many.

My heart breaks for each one. Each family.  7 O'clock...

We pray for you as you continue you on.

Leave your loved ones name in the comments below and we will remember them too. 

As we do Lucy Marie, Tjaden Eli, Brendan, Carter Lee...

When You Feel Like Saying "When" - Prepare To Stop

 I was 16.

 I ran a stop sign - on purpose.

The chain of events leading up to this caused me to want so badly to end it all. There were actually so many events that had gone on in my life by the age of 14, that it was really the cherry on top.

 I found out I was pregnant. That to me was a blessing.

Five months along we found out that it was a boy and he had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 18. It was a horrible diagnosis. The life expectancy was a year…If that. His organs were all over the place, and he was not doing well. They wanted me to abort. Imagine that! I wanted to give him a fighting chance.

 I felt him kick a lot. Played music for him, and read to him in my belly. I cherished every moment I had with him inside of me. I forgot the rest of the world spinning around me and just lived for him.

I grew up a lot in those months.

Nine months along... he stopped kicking - for good. We went to the doctor and they told us that he had passed away. I was crushed. Even though they try to prepare you for this, nothing ever does. I gave birth to my stillborn baby Brenden after 31 hours of labor. I did not hold him. I was so upset and so young. I didn't know the effects that would have on me...  For the rest of my life I've regretted it.

His birthday was December 3rd. I picked out a tiny white casket, made funeral arrangements and buried him December 7th 2014. The two years of my life after that was a destructive blur. I didn't care about my life. I wanted to end it. I remember asking Tracy, my longtime family friend / second mom for guidance. She said to pray. Pray hard. A month or so after talking to her, I was driving by myself. I had no one. I felt as if no one loved me. I felt that my baby died because of me... but in fact there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

 I ran that stop sign and almost got hit. I pulled over. Started praying, asking God to forgive me for turning away from him during the darkest time of my life... I cried and cried. I probably looked crazy to someone driving by me. All I remember after this breakdown saying that I had had enough.

I felt this weight come off my shoulders and knew I needed to start living the life my baby would never have. For all I knew he could be walking with God, watching my actions and I realized I had to stop. That was the end of it. Right then and there. Every decision I made from then on out, was a positive one. I know that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be who I am today. With the values and my strong relationship with God. I knew my life would be better. Sorry for rambling, but that was my “when” saying “enough is enough”.

My name is Jody Ann Garber. I am 35. I have 5 kids 4 of them are on earth 1 in heaven. Ages from 14 to 2. I live in eastern Pennsylvania with my husband of 4 years. I also am a work at home mom with an amazing company called Itworks Global. We specialize in health and wellness products. I'll include my link in case anyone reading this needs help getting into better health.

Jody would love to connect with you at Cajunbeachwrappers.com

Beauty For Ashes

To all who mourn... he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

We have some wonderful news and we are now able to share it with you.  Our dear cousins,( Carter Lee's mommy and daddy) are now expecting a baby boy.  He is Trisomy free and is expected November of this year.  How glad we are, and how we celebrate in the goodness of God.  A beautiful new life!  

Congratulations Brittany and TJ.  We love you!  Brittany has gone and finished her college education and just graduated with her degree.  We are so proud of her!

If you would like to follow Brittany's journey, her FB page to raise awareness for Trisomy and Carter's story is here . You can also check out her blog Twinkling Stars and Forget-Me-Not's here.

If you would like to know the story of Carter Lee see our blog posts here: Carter Story 1  Carter Story 2

Broken Dreams

Yesterday we received a package from my cousin Brittany. She had packed it full of little clothes and big dreams tucked beside newborn diapers, little socks and shoes that belonged to my little cousin Carter.

My heart broke again as I imagined a different ending for that day back in September. I imagined Carter wearing the tiny boots in the little keep sake box.The little outfits on a growing little boy.

My heart breaks for those broken dreams. Why is it that the one who lost so much gave so much for a little one she has never met? My heart breaks for my own family and the broken dreams that lay in our hearts. My heart breaks for my eleven siblings I didn't get to grow up with. I was to little to understand when we lost them. All I knew that my mommy was crying and I didn't understand why.

But as I got older I understood. That one day I will get to meet all those siblings I always wanted. The ones I would cry for because there were only five of us around the dinner table. We never named those eleven. I think it was just too hard. Except for two. They were twins, my mom was going to name them Hope and Faith. They passed though heavens gates on Good Friday.

This year when it warms up my mom and I have decided to make stepping stones and write each of their names onto them and place them in our garden. Recently a friend invited us to her church, she introduced us to the pastors wife then stepped aside to get us all some hot chocolate. The pastor's wife asked if we were the only two children in our family. Brianna answered for us. But it wasn't the right answer but how do you explain "No there are thirteen of us but the other eleven you will never meet" ? How do you explain that no we aren't the only ones?

How do you explain your broken dreams to someone who has never walked your road? How do you answer are you the only children in your family?

(If you do not know Carter Lee's story I encourage you to visit his mommy's blog Twinkling Stars & Forget-Me-Not's . You can also read The Other Side Of The Waiting Room which is where I tell a little bit of his special life.)

Another Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving rolls in, the smell of good food and the promise of a Christmas holiday to follow. Yet under the Christmas carols and stuffed turkey. Beneath the laughter and the family gatherings. A smile is forced, a pair of eyes are sad.


A heart is heavy.  someone wonders what it would be like if someone dear to them was with them. Every Thanksgiving I have to wonder what it would be like if my eleven siblings were here. How much more laughter would fill the house? What would be different?

For those of you that have lost someone whether or not you met them, you probably know the feeling all too well. We always feel the gap but when the holidays roll in we feel it even more. Somewhere between the happiness and hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving I am sad because I never met the other eleven. I didn't get to grow up with them. I didn't get them to race them to the table for dinner. No games were ever played. No carols sung. No hands held as we Thanked God for everything we have.

I miss them though I never met them. When Thanksgiving rolls my mom and I always look at the table with its delicate plates and pretty cups and do our best to not cry and we promise each other that one day this table will be filled with little family members that are laughing and promising they have enough room for desert though they can't finish the turkey still on there plates.

One day...

The Tree of Remembrance

This tree is special to me. I came up with the idea for it this year. The Tree Of Remembrance you may ask? What is that and why is it so special? Well I'll tell you...

On this tree are 11 Doves, 3 Mercury Glass Ornaments the two baby booties ornaments that my twin sister got for our first Christmas and 1 Butterfly. 

The eleven doves represent my eleven siblings that never walked this earth. 

The three glass ornaments are reminders to pray for three special children that though we never met will always be in our hearts. 

The butterfly is the child we will care for in the ministry we are working with. 

This bird is in memory of Carter Lee Schulz. Like this tiny bird's long tail may his legacy go on and on. 

So you see this is why I call this tree the Tree Of Remembrance. 

Mercury Glass Ornaments: Estate Sale

Baby Booties: A Christian Book Store in CA. 

Doves: Big Lots

Butterfly: Walmart

Small bird: Walmart

The Other Side Of The Waiting Room

Yesterday my dad and I rushed to the hospital three hours away to meet a cousin who had broken all of  the doctor's expectations. We got to the hospital moments after Carter Lee was born. He was the tiniest baby I have ever seen, being just two pounds four ounces and was 15.8 inches long. Everyone said it was like holding a baby doll. I spent the day with my aunt helping her photograph his beautiful but all too short life. You see, my little cousin Carter lived only an hour and twenty minutes outside of his mother's womb.  

Later in the waiting room, I sat there watching the other families laughing and smiling and then I looked at the other side of the waiting room where a sister silently sobbed, an aunt stared off at nothing at all. A Grandparent sat with tears in their eyes instead of a smile. And I look at the others caught up in their own little world and it seems almost cruel that time can go on. I wonder how you ever can heal. I wonder how broken hearts can ever be put back together?  Who's hands can find all the tiny pieces like a jigsaw puzzle and craft them back together again? 
Who can make it look beautiful again?

Psalm 139:13  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Isaiah 61:3 To all who mourn... he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair...

How a mother can ever move on? 
How can a photograph of a foot knit together your memories? 
How after so many tears and so much pain you can ever be whole?
 It amazes me how different our story was compared to those so happy around us. How tears and happy laughter could mix. How life could change you forever in a blink of an eye. 

Psalms 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Today, it seems as if it is cruel that everyone else's life goes on while someone else could be so shattered. Today, I sit and I edit the photos I took yesterday and I cry and I pray that one day there will be beauty from all of this pain. 

Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

And yet in the midst of the pain and heartbreak, I saw overwhelming love.
I saw why God gave us family.
I saw my dad kneel at the foot of my cousin's bed as she held her baby and I saw him pray.

I will never be the same. None of us will. So for now, we will grieve. We  will smile at the memories and we will wait for joy to come in the morning. 

I will not say goodbye sweet cousin because I know that you wait for us in heaven.  I know that my siblings must have met you at the gates and you all wait for us with our Savior.  I long to be together with them and you.  Until that day... we send our love.

See part two Long Road Home 

Infant loss, death of a child, Trisomy 13, holoprosencephaly, HPE, infant mortality, miscarriage support, child loss, death of an infant, spina bifida, alobar holoprosencephaly, prognosis, survivors, diagnosis, infant death, infant funeral, grieve, prayer, faith, hope, love, empty, arms, childless, infertility, brain division, cephalic disorder, forebrain development, semi-lobar,  Syntelencephaly, stillbirth, middle interhemispheric variant of holoprosencephaly, proboscis, cyclopia, seizures, gestational diabetes,  chromosomal abnormalities, pax 2, Pax 6, malformation, meiosis, patau syndrome, Aneuploidy, Karyotype, Monosomy, extra chromosome, visual cortex.