The Other Side Of The Waiting Room


Yesterday my dad and I rushed to the hospital three hours away to meet a cousin who had broken all of  the doctor's expectations. We got to the hospital moments after Carter Lee was born. He was the tiniest baby I have ever seen, being just two pounds four ounces and was 15.8 inches long. Everyone said it was like holding a baby doll. I spent the day with my aunt helping her photograph his beautiful but all too short life. You see, my little cousin Carter lived only an hour and twenty minutes outside of his mother's womb.  


Later in the waiting room, I sat there watching the other families laughing and smiling and then I looked at the other side of the waiting room where a sister silently sobbed, an aunt stared off at nothing at all. A Grandparent sat with tears in their eyes instead of a smile. And I look at the others caught up in their own little world and it seems almost cruel that time can go on. I wonder how you ever can heal. I wonder how broken hearts can ever be put back together?  Who's hands can find all the tiny pieces like a jigsaw puzzle and craft them back together again? 
Who can make it look beautiful again?


Psalm 139:13  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.


Isaiah 61:3 To all who mourn... he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair...


How a mother can ever move on? 
How can a photograph of a foot knit together your memories? 
How after so many tears and so much pain you can ever be whole?
 It amazes me how different our story was compared to those so happy around us. How tears and happy laughter could mix. How life could change you forever in a blink of an eye. 


Psalms 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.


Today, it seems as if it is cruel that everyone else's life goes on while someone else could be so shattered. Today, I sit and I edit the photos I took yesterday and I cry and I pray that one day there will be beauty from all of this pain. 



Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.




And yet in the midst of the pain and heartbreak, I saw overwhelming love.
I saw why God gave us family.
I saw my dad kneel at the foot of my cousin's bed as she held her baby and I saw him pray.


I will never be the same. None of us will. So for now, we will grieve. We  will smile at the memories and we will wait for joy to come in the morning. 



I will not say goodbye sweet cousin because I know that you wait for us in heaven.  I know that my siblings must have met you at the gates and you all wait for us with our Savior.  I long to be together with them and you.  Until that day... we send our love.


See part two Long Road Home 

Infant loss, death of a child, Trisomy 13, holoprosencephaly, HPE, infant mortality, miscarriage support, child loss, death of an infant, spina bifida, alobar holoprosencephaly, prognosis, survivors, diagnosis, infant death, infant funeral, grieve, prayer, faith, hope, love, empty, arms, childless, infertility, brain division, cephalic disorder, forebrain development, semi-lobar,  Syntelencephaly, stillbirth, middle interhemispheric variant of holoprosencephaly, proboscis, cyclopia, seizures, gestational diabetes,  chromosomal abnormalities, pax 2, Pax 6, malformation, meiosis, patau syndrome, Aneuploidy, Karyotype, Monosomy, extra chromosome, visual cortex.

37 comments:

  1. This is a rich, vibrant testimony of your family's love of the Lord Jesus and of life that He gives, and at times, takes to be with Him. I pray that it will be a healing for some and a calling to open their hearts to the sovereignty of God for others! God never makes mistakes!
    I am sending prayers now for your cousin, girls. God bless you for handling this tenderly.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words miss Jacque! They mean so much!

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  2. Wow. How beautiful. And very well said.

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  3. Wow. How beautiful. And very well said.

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    1. Thank you so much Ms. Veronica. This has just been so hard.

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  4. I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your cousin. I too have lost a son, and he was also a little over two pounds at birth. He lived for two hours, and passed over into heaven. It is such a sad thing when a baby passes, but just know the Father opened his arms to sweet Carter Lee. I don't know how people make it through situations like these without the help of the Lord, but you and your family have a beautiful testimony. Thank you for sharing it, and your wonderful photos. His tiny feet are precious! God bless, Nicole

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    1. I am so sorry that you lost some one so dear. I have lost several siblings that I will forever miss. My sister and I are twins but there were six others that didn't make it. Thank you for your kind words. God bless you too!

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  5. This is an extraordinarily beautiful tribute of Carter and his short time earthbound. My heart broke that day as I read the updates on facebook as to his arrival. I prayed for his longevity and found it unbelievable the world continues on, as a mothers' heart breaks. As I stood at my job, thousands of miles away, I couldn't help but remark on this very thought. God bless you all, your strength is immeasurable, and this tribute is priceless.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much. God bless you.

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  6. This is beautiful. I have no words. . . may God continue to watch over and bless this family. Give you strength, give you comfort, bring you peace and allow you to remember the memories with a smile.

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  7. To Dear, Sweet Carter's Mommy, Daddy, Grandmas and Grandpas, precious cousins, and other, loved and extended family,
    When we heard of the loss of your precious son, our hearts broke. We dont know you, and possibly never will here on this earth. But you are sisters and brothers in Christ, and that is a bond that will never be broken.
    We too, laid our firstborn son down only minutes after he was put into our arms. We still do not know what happened to our little Issac, but we marveled, and wept, over his precious toes, and curly hair, and perfect fingernails. It was like we had been given the world, but in shattered pieces it fell around us. All around us were families rejoicing, babies crying, fathers wheeling little bassinets with baby burritos. All we had was a few precious minutes, and a bear that was graciously given us by the nurses who wept while they placed in in our arms.
    Here we are now, 15 long, silent, and precious years past that time.
    We still cry on his birthday.
    The table still feels like someone is missing when we gather for Sunday dinner.
    Our daughters still remind us that they are little sisters to a big brother in Heaven.
    Every year we visit his grave...and find flowers.
    Ones we did not place there.

    Carter may have only been in your arms for a few hours. But he will be in your hearts and memories forever. His life, though short, will continue to impact others as they see you live out your love, and your pain, through your faith that God is greater still than anything we experience.
    May our precious Lord and Savior bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you, and give you peace.
    We will pray for you as you walk through this.
    Blessings,
    Kurt and Heather Estey @ The Welcoming House Blog

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing and your kind words. Our prayers will be with you also . My sister and I were the only two of eight to survive. We are sixteen now and miss them every day. Some days I wonder if I am letting them down in some way or if they had made it what would be different.

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  8. May God bless you and keep you safe as Carter waits for you in heaven.

    Ellajean

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  9. What a touching tribute to your tiny cousin. No words. You said it all so eloquently. Prayers for you and your family for healing.

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  10. Gratitude, even for a moment. So touching. Blessings for your family and all touched by this tiny one and this tribute.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and your thoughts for our family

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  11. This is beautifully written. I am so sorry for your loss and pray for you and your family.

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  12. I am so sorry for your loss... what a beautiful tribute. I am a neonatal nurse and nothing breaks the heart in quite the same way as the loss of a new baby. My prayers are with you.

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  13. Such a touching post. Little Carter will definitely be missed! You captured such wonderful photos for the mom and dad to cherish. Loss is such a hard thing. Especially hard to lose someone so little. We have a 4 year old granddaughter, Saydee. She arrived early and only weighed 2 lbs. 8. They had a hard time bringing her mothers blood pressure down and she remained in the ICU for two days. Hard time, but both are healthy today. We never know what miracles God has in store for us. He must have need Carter for a higher purpose. Thanks for sharing with Share Your Cup.
    hugs,
    Jann

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  14. I am so sorry for your loss. Your story of Carter is beautiful and you will someday be able to encourage someone else who goes through a loss like this because you understand and have been there too.

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  15. I felt a tightness in my chest as I read your heart felt tribute. Your photos will be cherished and your cousin remain in the memories of all his loved ones until they meet again. My prayers go out to you and your family.

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  16. What a touching post. Tears are streaming. thank you. I found you through the Prowess and Pearls link up. thank you.

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  17. Thank you for sharing this sad yet beautiful intimate part of your life with us at Friendship Friday. I experienced that same feeling of despair and the cruelty of life going on despite the fact that my daughter was fighting for her life when diagnosed with brain cancer. I hope to see you again at FF tomorrow!

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  18. I'm crying right now I am so sorry for your cousin and the family, I have no idea how I would move on.

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  19. Stopping by from Babies and Beyond. This is heartbreaking! Praying for your family.

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  20. I am so heartbroken for your family. What a trial to go through, but how wonderful that you were able to get such beautiful pictures of this sweet spirit that was with you for only a short time.

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  21. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for your family.

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  22. This is heartbreaking, so sorry for your loss.

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  23. You have an amazing gift in your writing. I felt as if I were there. My heart breaks your cousin and family. The answer to your question of how does one go on... Faith, faith that God's plan will see you through. The loss of a child is probably the most traumatic thing you go through. You must have faith to see the light through the darkness. Your family support and love and God's love will wrap around your cousin to comfort her and see her through.

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