When Mother's Day Hurts | Part 2

Sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, bare feet tapping an unknown rhythm on the floor. Chippy pink nail polish meets your eye then you look away to the counter were a pregnancy test sits that you really want to look at, but you are terrified to look at. The truth is you are afraid to hope anymore. Weeks, months, years of trying and failing. Your heart about beats out of your chest, but  you can't get yourself to look because your heart just can't take another letdown.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

The pregnancy test has the"+" and your dream is about to come true you are afraid to be excited, but you do because it is your dream. Then comes the cramping and the bleeding begins and the doctor calls you in to confirm that they are gone, and the crushing feeling that your body has failed you, again closes in.

Or when you finally are pregnant but you get the diagnosis that your baby is not compatible with life. As you fold the tiny baby clothes -each holding a dream- you realize that this is all you will have of them as you slip them into the box, a set of baby shoes, a tiny hat, a bib- every dream shattered, like shards of glass on a sandy shore.

Or the foster mom that has raised dozens of children, Woke up with them at night - changed their diapers and fed them with all the love you had. You couldn't have loved them more if you bore them but they are whisked away and all you have left are empty rooms, an empty crib, toys no longer played with, empty bottles and sippy cups and silent baby monitors.  Haunting reminders of the love that once lived there. As you stand in the doorway you can almost hear their voices- laughing, cooing, jabbering, asking you to read a story.

Eyes staring longingly from old photographs, tiny toy soldiers standing sentry- a dolly still holding out her arms for the embrace that will never return. The echoes of laughter, the sound of small feet running to you in the foyer as you open the door. The swing that plays music every time you bump into it.

The son or daughter gone too soon. Taken in the blink of an eye from a tragic accident or slowly over days, weeks months and years from illness.

Remember those who silently experience another empty Mother's Day. Pray for them and reach out and let them know you love them and remember with them- Give a mom a hug today.  They say we need ten meaningful hugs a day.  Be one of those hugs to someone.  It may mean more than you can ever know.


If you missed the first"When Mother's Day Hurts" blog post you can find it here.  If these touched you, will you share them on FB or other social media.  It may help someone that is our prayer.  Thank you so much!









#MothersDay #babyloss #childloss #infertility #miscarriage #FosterCare #FosterMother #FosterMom

Today On Your Birthday Grandma We Remember You

 The house is still...  a piano plays softly on the radio. 

Ice and snow cover the ground outside. 

Lunch is finished and the dishes sit in the dish strainer. 

It's just another day... 

Its just another day, but its not just another day. It's your birthday! 

How do you wish someone a "Happy Birthday" in a place where there is no sadness? Memories slip through my mind... you are in them all. 

Decorating the tree, birthdays, Easter, 4th Of July, Ballet class, Thanksgiving, Choir performances, Church, New Years, Sledding, BBQ's, horse competition two summers ago, Bonfires with friends as you watched over us, swimming in the pool as you sat on the porch to make sure we were ok, gardening, holding baby animals that I brought home, chickens, turkeys, quail, rabbits, a puppy, a cat. Making cookies with you. car rides and musicals. So many good times... and you are there in every one.

Happy Birthday Grandma Cottage. 

Waiting To Exhale

It feels like I have been holding my breath for so long...

Like I have been trapped in never ending waves. Crashing... Crushing... Bending... Drowning...

My lungs burn... It's been a long year, a long couple of years. So many bad memories. So many bad days.

My feet touch the sand and it feels like a weight slightly lifts from my chest. The sunshine warms my skin, the breeze tugs my hair free from its braid. The waves wash across the sand wetting my feet and dragging the pain back as it recedes again.

My finger slips through the sand, a name, a year. A wave rolls in white and blue... erasing it like a canvas. With each new word the weight lifts a little more. Until finally I can let out my breath. I draw another one in and exhale...

The cold water chills my feet a little as I walk a long the water line picking up small bits of shell. All broken in someway or another but all beautiful.

Small chips of blue, larger pieces of white shells a few rose color pieces, a see-through piece, a larger gray one. My hand fills with them. The broken places worn smooth by the sand and the wave. They remind me of people... battered, broken, Holes where life was rough and ripped holes in our hearts. Do they realize how beautiful their brokenness is? I hold one up to the light and the sunlight pour though the holes and chipped areas... Do they know that? Do we know that? That through the broken places in us His light pours through. Shells are beautiful whole... but I think they are even more beautiful broken...

The Quilt Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls. Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that was our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all. 

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. 

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air. 

Finally, the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose, each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me and nodded for me to rise. 

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me. 

And now, I had to face the truth: My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was. 

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. 

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image: the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. 

"Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through until there was more of Me than there was of you." 

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

(Couldn't find the author but if this work is yours please let me know and I will give credit where credit is due)

I know Just What You'd Say...

The house is so quiet, so still. How can life change so fast? Your clothes are still hanging in your closet. Your bed is still made where I made it the day after you went to the hospital. I walk through your room so still. Everything just the same... or almost just the same.  The night light in the bathroom is off. Your cane rests in the corner of the room instead of in your hand. 

Despite the heater humming your room seems so cold. Like stepping outside on a snowy morning and knowing no one else is out. Your footsteps seem to echo over the frozen ground. 

I can't stand to stay in this room long but sometimes I just can't stay away. I half smile at the boxes of Christmas village stacked in one of your closets that you loved so much. How many years did we put it out together? How much fun we had as I handed you things to put out and smiled up at you telling you if it was "the perfect spot" which of course it was... perching on a ladder with steaming hot cups of coco on freezing morning putting Christmas lights up. 

And then one year we switched, I was the one on the top of the ladder you at the bottom smiling up.  Oh how you loved Christmas! And then as the years went on, I did more by myself but the light was still there in your eyes. Making you almost look like a small child filled with the magic of Christmas... But as the years went on that to began to dim... until only at certain moments could you see it in your blue eyes. But it was still there. I can almost hear your voice in my mind as I run my hand over the rough cardboard boxes. 

I know just what you’d say…

You’d say “oh my goodness” and “I love you honey”.  “Do you want to spend the night?”, “Can I pray for you?”. And with that guilty look of yours and a hand over your heart “Who me?” followed by a twinkle in your eye and “How could you think so?” 

“Drive carefully," - even if you’re just walking “I pray a hedge of protection around you and your car” or “Lord surround their car with angels” and “Can I sing you a song?” 

You see Grandma I know just what you'd say... "It so nice to see you," "Do we have anything sweet?"  "Ice Cream sounds good" and "Bless you heart". And "I need to blow my nose."

You would pray every day for your children and grandchildren, on your knees even when it hurt to do so.  When you would hear of a need you were quick to offer help, love, a place for those that needed a home.  You stood in the cold serving food you helped cook for the homeless and you were not afraid to love on the ones that stood before you. Strangers became family in the blink of an eye.  Sailors hundreds of miles away from their family found family in your arms.  Those hurting and needing a home found a place of love and care seldom seen in this world.  Orphans became grand children in the blink of an eye.  You held nothing back from anyone.

I can still hear your voice as we sit around the table... and I know just what you'd say... Faith plops down beside me with a sigh and I know just what you'd say, " What's wrong pooch?" 

The Most Important thing to me is ending up in heaven and having all of my children and grandchildren make it there, so be there everyone. - Martha Gibson 1996

When You Feel Like Saying "When" - Prepare To Stop

 I was 16.

 I ran a stop sign - on purpose.

The chain of events leading up to this caused me to want so badly to end it all. There were actually so many events that had gone on in my life by the age of 14, that it was really the cherry on top.

 I found out I was pregnant. That to me was a blessing.

Five months along we found out that it was a boy and he had a genetic disorder called Trisomy 18. It was a horrible diagnosis. The life expectancy was a year…If that. His organs were all over the place, and he was not doing well. They wanted me to abort. Imagine that! I wanted to give him a fighting chance.

 I felt him kick a lot. Played music for him, and read to him in my belly. I cherished every moment I had with him inside of me. I forgot the rest of the world spinning around me and just lived for him.

I grew up a lot in those months.

Nine months along... he stopped kicking - for good. We went to the doctor and they told us that he had passed away. I was crushed. Even though they try to prepare you for this, nothing ever does. I gave birth to my stillborn baby Brenden after 31 hours of labor. I did not hold him. I was so upset and so young. I didn't know the effects that would have on me...  For the rest of my life I've regretted it.

His birthday was December 3rd. I picked out a tiny white casket, made funeral arrangements and buried him December 7th 2014. The two years of my life after that was a destructive blur. I didn't care about my life. I wanted to end it. I remember asking Tracy, my longtime family friend / second mom for guidance. She said to pray. Pray hard. A month or so after talking to her, I was driving by myself. I had no one. I felt as if no one loved me. I felt that my baby died because of me... but in fact there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

 I ran that stop sign and almost got hit. I pulled over. Started praying, asking God to forgive me for turning away from him during the darkest time of my life... I cried and cried. I probably looked crazy to someone driving by me. All I remember after this breakdown saying that I had had enough.

I felt this weight come off my shoulders and knew I needed to start living the life my baby would never have. For all I knew he could be walking with God, watching my actions and I realized I had to stop. That was the end of it. Right then and there. Every decision I made from then on out, was a positive one. I know that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be who I am today. With the values and my strong relationship with God. I knew my life would be better. Sorry for rambling, but that was my “when” saying “enough is enough”.

My name is Jody Ann Garber. I am 35. I have 5 kids 4 of them are on earth 1 in heaven. Ages from 14 to 2. I live in eastern Pennsylvania with my husband of 4 years. I also am a work at home mom with an amazing company called Itworks Global. We specialize in health and wellness products. I'll include my link in case anyone reading this needs help getting into better health.

Jody would love to connect with you at Cajunbeachwrappers.com

When You Feel Like Saying "When" - For Everything There Is A Season

When -noun (a question or declaration as to a time of some occurrence)

 
Lord, when will this be over? How much longer Lord? Oh my gosh! If I had a dollar for every time I've asked Him that question, I could have paid cash for my car! I really thought this was going to be easy. My testimony is filled with some really horrible, desperate things so I thought sharing one of them with the world would be a simple thing. It hasn't. I've hit the delete button more times than I can count. 

Jesus has always walked with me but I've only walked with Him 15 years.  I used to cry out "why" more than "when".  When only came after learning to worship the Lord with my sorrow, knowing that He would make something beautiful out of it! I've walked through the horrors of rape, abortion and suicide attempts. I've struggled with poverty, homelessness, and being a single parent. Nothing in my life has broken my heart as deeply as my family has. My family is a puzzle in a box. None of the pieces are put together. I can put two or three of the pieces together for a short time but they soon are pulled apart. It's tragic, ugly and very, very heartbreaking! I've never known what it's like to have a normal family.  When you walk with the Lord, you learn that life is full of seasons...good ones, bad ones, long ones, short ones. I'll be 53 this October. This season with my family is one I've been walking in all my life.  

"When" has been mostly Psalms 13 to me for many years. "How long oh Lord will you forget me?" When will this be over Lord? When will my son come back? When will my family be whole again? Now, more than ever, "When" has become Psalms 126. It is a thanksgiving for restoration. When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.”  The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
 
Seasons come but they also go. Seasons end. God turns them around. I declare salvation, reconciliation, and restoration for my family! Thank you Lord!

Linda lives in Columbia TN with Norman and BJ, her faithful furry babies. She is mom to her son, Jaymz, and Nani to her grandlovies Toby, Charlie and Skylar.

When You Feel Like Saying "When" - He Has Dealt Bountifully With Me

I didn't know it, but it was the beginning of labor pains.

Literally.

                           ...and spiritually.

It was my husband's 27th birthday, and we'd made plans to celebrate as a family. We didn't get to. I hadn't been feeling well that day. Well into my first trimester with our third baby, I began to ache and cramp. and bleed. A call to the doctor confirmed our suspicion - the baby was probably gone. The next morning, before I could make it to the hospital, my body passed my sweet baby and we said goodbye to our very tiny (but perfectly formed, fearfully & wonderfully made!) little one.

I'd been following Jesus for seven years at that time, but my faith had not yet been tested by something so raw and heart wrenching. Up to that point, my faith was based not on God's goodness in all circumstances, but on all the blessings He'd afforded me.

For the next few weeks, hours were spent on my knees, closed away in our bedroom. Desperately crying out to the Lord. Searching the Psalms and trying to make sense of what happened. This became the Psalm I read out loud and praying through often:

{Psalm 13}
How long, O Lord?Will You forget me forever?How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?Consider and hear me, O Lord my God;enlighten my eyes,lest I sleep the sleep of death;lest my enemy say,“I have prevailed against him”;lest those who trouble merejoice when I am moved...

I could not have known it at the time, but the loss of our little one was only the beginning of travail and trial - the labor pains of Christ being formed in me through suffering. It has been five years since the miscarriage, and circumstances have remained difficult while God has remained steadfast and sovereign.

My husband's business closed. We watched as his dream job that he worked and prayed so hard for just disintegrated. 

My oldest daughter needed major surgery, and has not healed as the doctors hope she would. and at this juncture, they're not confident that she will.

Our marriage of almost ten years is brittle. A while ago, we needed a break and Will went to stay with family in another state. Since he's been back, we have been trying to make it work, but it takes time and supernatural grace to undo almost a decade of mistakes, sinful attitudes, and bitter hurt, on both parts.

Our finances have been in shambles at best, non-existent at worst.

I absolutely believe that if we'd not gone through the agony of losing our baby, my heart would not have been prepared for the years and hurts that have come since. The Lord knew that my heart needed to see that He is the God who goes before, with, beside, and after me in suffering as He shows me how to be more like Jesus.

The pain of saying good-bye to our baby was more than my heart could handle. Yes! I will say that again:

God gives me more than I can handle. All of the time.

...because then and only then do I realize that my strength cannot come from within, only from the bottomless well of His grace and tenderest mercy. 

In those aching, at-the-end-of-myself moments, I had a sweet communion with God that I'd not had before. I'd never know the depths of His love like I did in the weeks and months afterward - displayed through His Word, through Will, through the girls, through our families, friends, and church community just showering us with prayer and kindness.

...it's the same depth of love that I plumbed when I heard

"She's not healing the way we thought she would. We're sorry, Mrs. Hunter."

"The worst case scenario in our marriage is not that I leave. The worst case is that I stay and we are miserable."

"Your bills have gone to collection because you have failed to pay."

"Mommy, what are we having for lunch? There's nothing in the cupboard to eat."

...and so many other times in between when the load was too heavy to bear.

But, hope of hopes!, Christ comes alongside and in compassion picks up all of my burdens, heaves them onto His own able shoulders, and bids me to just walk with Him. He reassures me that no matter what happens in my life, He will use it all to make much of Him as He grows me in His grace & knowledge.

That even if I fail and make a mess of it all a million times, He is faithful.

That He can take all of the hurts and create something eternally beautiful.

That He owes me nothing, but that He is always faithful to His promises and that everything He does, He does in a way that 'deals bountifully' with me.

I tend to forget often just how good and gracious the Lord is toward me - even when I perceive that everything about my life is just coming unhinged. When I read His Word, I am reminded that everything that happens to me is not by chance; it is orchestrated by a merciful and compassionate Father who is drawing others to Himself through my testimony and He is conforming me to the image of Jesus. And that means whatever happens, even when it seems too painful, is God dealing with me not just kindly, but bountifully. 

The last verses of Psalm 13 have become the refrain of my heart these last few years. When I began to feel pity or bitterness rise up in my heart, I sing this to remind myself:

Whatever you have been through or are going through, you can choose to take deep comfort in the truth that no hurt is wasted in God's economy. He can and will take all of the circumstances that are too much for your heart and use them for good - and trust Him that He is, even when you can't see it.

"Joseph said to [his brothers], “Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive." {Genesis 50:19-20}

Blessed be the LORD God, the God of Israel, who only does wondrous things!

And blessed be His glorious name forever! And let the whole earth be filled with His glory.

Amen and amen. {Psalm 72:18-19}

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.

{Romans 8:28-29}

He has dealt bountifully with me,

for His glory!

~Lisha

Lisha has been married to Will for almost 10 years and has been a mom for almost 8 years to four children: three precious daughters here and a little one in Heaven! She blogs over at the 'Blish, hoping to lift high the name and grace of Jesus while encouraging others as she embraces her roles as wife, mom, homemaker, homeschooler, & redeemed and beloved daughter of the King. 

She'd love to connect with you! Find her at:

the 'Blish

the 'Blish Blog on Facebook

the 'Blish on Pinterest

Introduction When You Feel Like Saying "When"

Post 2 Jesus Take The Wheel 

Stepping Stones & Ocean Waves

Last week I was downloading some photos from the camera and found some that Brianna took when we went to visit Benji at the vet. I sat there and just cried. My mind just can't wrap around the fact that he is gone. Dogs are such amazing creatures. Maybe that goes for all animals...

For those of you that don't have pets or have never lost one picture a giant wave, but where you are standing it can't touch you. You can't get hurt but instead of standing there safe you take hold of your pet's paw and you step into that wave because you made a promise that no matter what you would be there for them because they were there for you. And everything in you screams that the wave is going to crush you. But slowly you creep forward with him, one step -one breath at a time. Until at some point, he no longer is beside you and you finally step out of the wave and a huge empty spot is left in your heart and life. Over the next weeks, anything and everything reminds you of him and more tears fall that you thought you had cried out.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Time is a slow healer, but eventually, as you take one stepping stone at a time the tears come less and less. So here is to our beloved pets that were and are there for us through it all, who when gone leave such a huge hole in our hearts. Who greet us at the door at night when we get home, or in the morning when our feet touch the floor. Who love us with all our faults and all our problems. Remind you of someone else? Maybe that's why He put them in our lives, to help us grow and to show us a little more of Him.