A Lesson Through Tears

Today we noticed our dog Benjamin (Benji) was acting funny.

He wasn't walking right (like he didn't know where his back feet were) when he would get up but for the most part, he would just lay there and his breath was funny as if it took all his strength to breathe. I had a feeling I knew what was wrong when I smelled his breath. I have smelled it before when his sweet momma Christmas suffered and died from it.

 Oh Lord, please don't let me be right.

He lay between Mrs. Cottage and I and barely moved.

Grandma cottage hovered near and sat by him and pet him.  She just sat there stroking his fur and he looked so sad. When Mr. Cottage got home we took him to the vet and my suspicions were confirmed. He was in Acute Kidney Failure, and his chances of making it are very slim...

Tonight my heart is breaking... it breaks as one of my best friend texts me to make sure I'm OK and to let me know she is praying. 

The vet asked if there was any possible way for him to have gotten to something poisons in his area or if our neighbor could have "Accidentally" fed him something that would do this. I told him there was nothing dangerous in his area normally but how much trouble the neighbors have given us with the animals over the last few years, and that it would not surprise me if they had done it on purpose.  He was standing in the doorway and just dropped his head and shook it from side to side. My heart dropped to my stomach and slid to my trembling feet.  No. Not my dog.

Somehow it was fitting to be at the same vet, the same room and the same people were all present this time as the last time when we walked this road. Two years ago with Christmas.  As I rubbed his head I couldn't help but think it was happening all over again.

It is so easy to let your heart grow cold.  To let bitterness dig in and take hold and to just get angry.

Tonight my heart is breaking... it breaks as one of my best friend texts me to make sure I'm OK and to let me know she is praying. It breaks as I eat my favorite chocolate bar my mom bought for me, the tears come and go as the clock ticks on. By noon tomorrow, we are supposed to call the vet to find out if he will make it. So tonight we pray and cry and we wait.

I remember that moment in that vet's office 2 yrs ago, that same room and that sweet dog Christmas slipping away from me.  I remember her eyes as she looked at me the last time and walking away from her for the last time. Seeing her on the examination table from the car, us driving away and leaving her behind. I couldn't even tell Benji goodbye tonight. I pet him, and I kissed his sweet head but I could not say goodbye. I willed myself not to cry because I knew if I did they would never end.  The floodgates would open and all the hurt would spill out without end.  Just wait till you get to the car I said to myself...

I remember her eyes as she looked at me the last time and walking away from her for the last time.

Funny as a family we have been through a lot... I've seen families crumble when hard times come, but I've also seen ones grow stronger through the pain. It's so easy to lash out in all of the pain and confusion. Especially at your family. The last time I was in this spot I couldn't write for months, it just hurt too much...

It is so easy to let your heart grow cold.  To let bitterness dig in and take hold and to just get angry.  I can't understand it... I can't even fathom how someone could hurt an animal like that.  Children and animals are unable to protect themselves... they are helpless in a way and I just don't get it.  It makes me so mad, so sad, so... Benji is alone tonight in the vet office.  No one is there to tell him that they love him or to pet his soft fur just because ... why? For what reason? Can someone explain it?

Do you know what we were studying on today?  

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:29-32

So here I am...my heart having slid to my feet, tears staining my cheeks, my head pounding from all of those tears, wanting just to run and run but I know that I can't run... knowing no matter how hard I run and how far I go the truth is still the same.  I am so hurt, so angry and yet I know that I just have to turn this over to Him.  The only one that can handle it, the only one that can take all this pain and anger and make it into something beautiful. I tell my mother, I am not sure I can forgive them.She tells me I must ask God for the strength and ability and then turn them over to him.  With me out of the way, he can deal with their hearts.  I ponder that as we drive.

As we pull onto our street she pulls the car to a stop to look at the beautiful sunset.  She whispered a prayer of thanks to God for the beauty of it just as she has done for as long as I can remember.  Then she says, "Lord, thank you for this beautiful sunset.  Help us to be this beautiful in the midst of the darkness and storms that surround us.  Help us be a reflection of your beauty.

 Father...I am so angry with my neighbors... but I turn all this anger over to you and I ask you to give me, give us the strength to forgive them and I turn them over to you.  Help to heal our hearts Father and please, if it is your will... heal my dog.  In the name of your son Jesus, Amen.