Good Bye For Now...

Today, we had to put our dog to sleep. 

How do you prepare for that?

How do say goodbye? 

Tonight when I got home I went to get eggs everything in me expected to see him bounding up from the dog house to meet me. 

But he didn't... and he won't ever again.

I will always remember today... How beautiful the morning was. Running morning errands with Mr. Cottage, leaning against the car when the vet called. 

By his voice, I knew something was wrong. I ran into the house to find Mr. Cottage. Sitting on the porch with my ear against the cell trying to hear as they talked. 

"His numbers have come back up,".

The silence in the car as we drove to the vet. 

How sick I felt. 

Wishing I could run, drag my feet anything to postpone this. 

How happy he was to see us. 

The tears as I clung to his neck and whispered how sorry I was and that I loved him and then saying goodbye as he slipped away. 

Taking off his collar and hearing it click back together for the last time. 

Wanting to scream "No" over and over, but I can't. 

How I can't breathe. 

The tears that rain down my cheeks uncontrollably. The ride home his paw in my hand his collar in my lap.

Benji  (right) and his litter mates. 

 Family and friends checked in to make sure we are ok and to tell us how sorry they are. Slowly the tears dry and then something sets them off again. 

One of my best friends call and we talk for awhile, dad buys pizza because no one feels like cooking tonight. 

I am exhausted. 

In the end, Ben's blood test numbers were 4 to 100 times higher than they should be. 

Somehow the end seems so harsh. Goodbye, seems too unfeeling. 

So I guess it is Goodbye for now...